the world will see you

More and more it feels like my life is comprised of nothing but decision making. From the seemingly insignificant breakfast battle of cereal versus granola, to the morning debate of how much longer I can hit the snooze button. We agonize over details from what to wear, to what to say, to what track most appropriately begins a Wednesday morning...currently I like to greet Hump Day with "That's not my Name" by the Ting Tings. And the minutes and days and soon enough months of our lives press on as we make decision after decision. Some are more simple than others. In apartment 66606 the answer to the following is always 'Yes':

Chipotle?
Red wine?
Trashy reality television after a long, rough day?
Mature young men who know how to communicate?
Spending time with friends who understand you?

Yes.

And other decisions are far more complicated... like how to create your life post-college... particularly when it seems like all of the grand decisions you've made in your life have been the result of opinions and voices of seemingly greater importance than your own. My whole life I've made decisions and truly, with every one I stop to think about someone else's idea of it before my own... namely, my parents. Because I love them? I respect them? I do. I certainly do. And it's been nearly 22 years of desperately seeking their approval... of wanting to make them proud. And don't get me wrong, I think that's a fine way of choosing my life's course in the sense that it's offered a sound moral compass... But this life is all we really have. This life belongs to me and me alone, essentially. And now that I've graduated and am essentially being forced to 'grow up' I feel like it's time to start making some decisions for myself.

My friend and room mate Danielle says that life is supposed to be about one's vision, not about plans. It's about this greater scope- this larger sense of who we are, or want or aspire to be. Your vision is this full representation of your internal desires and passions. Plans are simply what we make, like decisions, every day... in attempts to keep moving forward, achieving, or seemingly living this life. I'm tired of making plans. I feel like my whole life has been this huge rehearsal... this institution of learning and creating and taking steps to prepare me for something else- for whatever plan comes after this one. And it's like I've said before, I feel like we're always so focused on what's ahead or what's to come next that we forget that we're actually in the midst of a life... right now. And this is all we have. This complicated, beautiful, frustrating, terrifying thing is all we have and none of us survive it. So isn't the point of all of this, simply, to live?

I made plans today. I've been making plans. And I've made decisions for myself and no one else. And all I can do is hope that the people who love and support me will continue to do so... even if they disagree or don't approve. Because hopefully they'll know that my motives are thoughtful and sound... and that all I want is to experience this life...even more richly, and fully than I have been these past 22 years. I'm going to Europe for a month. I'm going with one of my best friends, a back pack, camera, and an open mind... The tickets have been bought. My mind is made up.

In a letter to their son Benjamin and Julia Rush wrote:

"Be sober and vigilant. Remember at all times that while you are seeing the world, the world will see you."

I'm ready to see the world, but more so, ready for the world to see me.

Let's just hope my parents don't kill me.