Ooh Child (Beth Orton version)

Sometimes I feel like this person who feels too much.

I always prided myself on the fact that I'm an emotional, thoughtful being. I feel to the depths, perhaps it's a product of being an artist, so often placed in an environment where expression and detailed, visceral response is encouraged, rewarded, accepted... But I always struggled with where such an existence or experience could exist in the outside world- a world that doesn't seem to cater to the sensitive, romantic, deeply feeling feelers. And I always thought it curious- our inability to embrace the emotionality of others, deeming appropriate times and places for feeling. We are human beings. We feel things, whether we care to admit it or not.

And I am not afraid to admit that I am in fact an emotional mess. I tend to let things build and bottle up inside until they have no other choice but to erupt or overflow... most usually at inappropriate times and inappropriate places. Like tonight: standing in front of a refrigerated wall of food, piling stacks of hummus and guacamole, I lost it.

And maybe it's something to do with the fact that my parents just sold our house. The house I grew up in. The house in which I've lived my entire life aside from the last four years I spent in college. Or maybe it's that I'm leaving for Hawaii in nearly three weeks and have done next to nothing in preparation...and knowing I should feel all this excitement, but that emotion has yet to really set in. And even though I'll only be gone for the summer, I'm going to miss all of these people that I love...probably more than they even realize. Maybe it's about the fact that I have these jobs to come back to- jobs I actually like and want to be doing- teaching, dancing, being back in the studio creating... that is, after all, where I feel most alive and of purpose- so why am I so on the fence about it? Why so anxious? Maybe it's about my best friend moving to Seattle... which is totally wonderful and amazing, but all I see is these 3000 miles between us. Maybe it's that I want to move into my own place with friends and am anxious about that falling into place. And maybe. Maybe it's much to do with the fact that I'm completely enamored with someone who seems to be totally clueless.

Needless to say, I ran outside, much like a child, and shed a few tears standing behind a dumpster in the parking lot. Can you say pathetic? How about emotional? Sadly for me this is normal behavior. Hah.

And I just keep thinking, if only we could be more readily able to embrace one anothers emotionality and sensitivity. If only we could see this as an incredible strength rather than something meant to be hidden or experienced only in private. When did the world lose all sense of empathy? And when did all this emotion become so overwhelming?

Things feel like they've come full circle in a way. I was mess this time a year ago getting ready to graduate and move into reality. And here I am now, in the thick of reality, some great life lessons and experience on my side and yet, a complete and total mess. Perhaps even more so than I was a year ago. Because now, I really am in the midst of life. And I'm trying out this whole grown up thing. And I'm emotional. Beyond emotional. And it's like my heart just aches. And even though things may actually be falling into place for the first time in a long time... I feel so tossed in the air. And I'm just waiting for the pieces to float down and settle into themselves. Until then I suspect there will be more overflow, and maybe more tearful nights in parking lots... or better yet, Hawaiian beaches. Now, that could be good, right?

More to come.