celebratory champagne

I'm officially done. Officially done with a thing they call college. And aside from a lovely ceremony on Friday where I'll symbolically move a little tassel on my cap from one side to the other, I'm done. I know this all hasn't hit me yet. I'm still in the slightly giddy phase- but then again, maybe that's from the celebratory champagne we've been drinking today (my mother taught me well, friends!). My whole life I've had a difficult time with change. Or more so, I've had a difficult time dealing with things ending. Because I can't help but feeling like I'm losing something- something that I've spent so much time cultivating or nurturing. And to focus your attention, emotions, thoughts, and energy into one thing or person or track for such an extended period of time- like four years- that's a serious feat. That's incredible.

It's pretty remarkable how much I've changed over the past four years. I know that doesn't sound so profound- college is certainly bound to change a person. But I truly can't imagine not being how I am today... I have found this incredible love and passion within creating and performing art. It was always there, but I feel like now, I belong within it. I feel like now I can actually call myself an artist. Hey, I'm an artist! And with people- I have cultivated some of the most exquisite relationships I could have ever dreamed of. Truly, the people I have in my life- these friends, these other dancers and artists, they are my soul mates, my piece of mind... where would I be without their advice, their insight, their passion for life and love and the constant need to challenge or evoke change? I feel like I'm starting to understand where I fit into this whole crazy universe. It's not like I've found religion or anything; these days I'm pretty sure I'm a pantheist- but I guess I can attribute college to that awareness as well. Simply, I just think the universe... nature... well, it's awesome. And if you ever just stop to absorb the incredible beauty of the universe, which is really, impossible to fully grasp or understand, well, you'll feel so incredibly awed. But maybe I digress...

Today I got to thinking about what I really am going to miss about college. My dad posed the question about a week ago and I couldn't think of it really. But the thing I realized, which I suppose I've known all along- I won't really be missing college. I'll be missing the people and the moments that have made this time beautiful, extraordinary, challenging, and ridiculously hilarious. I will miss late nights laughing on the kitchen floor, dancing it out to Celine Dion in 6606 after a really hard day, rambling conversations with the people who understand... the people who let me rant even when they've already heard 3 other versions (Laura)... I will miss MDE, and "Books on Tape" and "Dear" and my gorgeous friends and dancers who continually bring me back to life. I will miss Mim and her unwavering support and love and wisdom. I will miss PDJ. I will miss the feeling of dancing in the Kay Theatre, or the feel of the marley in the Dance Theatre- or jamming out with Bob on a really good day. I will miss Danielle's laugh and Emily's quiet, sweet, calming presence in this apartment- in this little apartment that has become a home. And that is just the beginning of a hundred thousand "I will miss" phrases.

Our lives are defined by moments- the tiniest fragments of our day to day experience culminate in a tapestry of events and we are shaped, altered, and affected most often by the seemingly insignificant. And now I'm here. This moment. How significant is this graduation? Commencement means 'beginning.' I am at the beginning of something- a moving forward- taking all that a college education encompasses in search of the future moments that will punctuate, highlight, and color my life making it uniquely mine. And I will surely miss this version of myself. But if Mim's right, we can't ever escape ourselves- in life, in relationships, and in our work- we just keep washing up like dirty laundry on the beach.