the game

We all play it. Whether or not we'd like to admit it. Whether or not we in fact realize we are. But there it is. When it comes to relationships we are forced to pick up our pawns and play the game.

For the record, I hate the game. It has come to my attention, not so subtly in recent days, that for the last 23 years of life, I have been losing terribly. And if you should know anything about a Dawson, it's that we hate to lose. I mean, really, we refuse. It seems the game has gotten the better of me.

So I refuse to continue seeing myself on the weaker end of this epic battle. Yet I just don't see how I can give up all that I am and how I perceive the world in order to play at something I don't even fully comprehend. I mean after all, what's so wrong with just being yourself?

This is what I do know.

Sometimes I talk too much. Yes, I do realize this. I like to ask questions and pontificate and address the grander life topics. Once I get started, it's often difficult to shut up. I also ramble when I'm nervous.

I am a hopeless romantic and an eternal optimist. Please believe these are traits I have desperately tried to alter over the course of my existence, but it's proven impossible. There are those elements of who we are that are simply inescapable. No matter how hard we try.

I am nice to a fault. I am eager to please. I will almost always be kind and sweet and often don't take action out of fear... fear of crossing boundaries, fear of getting hurt, fear of revealing too much, or worst of all, fear of rejection. But please know this is not out of lack of wanting. I probably feel exactly what you feel... unless I really just don't want to kiss you.

And while yes, I am old fashioned in ways: I like to be courted, to be chased, to have an occasional door opened, to be kissed first... though sometimes I see moments where all of this is far too irrelevant.

I am in fact spontaneous and unpredictable. I don't always say or do what's expected. I am an adventurer. I like to try new things. I am, contrary to popular belief, open to change. I like a challenge. I don't like to be whom everyone else expects.

I am stubborn as all hell.

I hate being wrong.

And I hate to lose.

I am cerebral and complex and typically dwell or fixate far too much. I over analyze and agonize- for this, I blame my mother.

I want an emotional and mental connection. Though I want the physical too. I am innocent, yes, but not completely. Please know there's depth here. Please realize I am, after all, human.

I'm independent. I don't like asking for help though sometimes I need it. I enjoy having time to myself, though typically, I hate being alone. And I don't need you to always be around, or calling, or doing things for me. I actually am pretty low key and laid back. It's the game that's got me jilted.

And I don't understand why we all just can't say what we mean exactly how we mean it. Why are we doomed to spend our days decoding subtext and giving our friends and roommates the never ending play by plays to dissect? We're all just people, ultimately wanting other people, to some degree. In some capacity.

So if you could just be honest and tell me what you want and need, maybe I could find a way to give it to you. At least I know I can give you that. And if I could be allowed to care, instead of having to pretend that I don't, well that would be ideal.

I also know that I'm apparently incapable of translating spoken words, physical gestures, and passive aggressive text messages. Herein lies the problem. This is the game. I don't know the rules. I'm unsure of the objective. And more than anything, I just don't want to play. Kudos to those of you who can and do. I sure hope you're winning.

For now, I forfeit.