to scales we can tolerate

It's funny how when you're little life is broken down into polarities. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Mean and nice. It's so black and white... and I guess it has to be that way to some extent- when you're young, when you're learning and growing up and figuring out how you're supposed to be. Life has to be comprised of these 'this or that' choices when you're young partly to make your parents' lives easier, and partly to help you get a sense of the world as quickly as possible. So we set up these boundaries- a sense of beginning and end comes first and then we fill in the gray betweens.

And then when you're older life feels more saturated in the gray areas. So much of this life feels ambiguous and complicated these days. And I think it's because we're still so focused on those end points- of the goals, the final product, or the actual somewhere, that all of the process of getting to somewhere seems to be more confusing. So then it becomes a question of whether it's our focus that alters our perception of how complicated or gray life truly is, or whether clarity just seems to lie in the definitive moments and less so in the in between. Or, do we just arbitrarily assign said qualities to certain points and passages through life and forever expect them to be that way? And essentially perpetuate the notion through our own behavior and preconceived ideas?

I guess I'm not really sure. I don't know if life ever stops feeling like this time line or tracking of benchmarks from one accomplishment or significant change to the next. And we all want things. We want to have relationships and careers, families, adventures... the list goes on. But how do we negotiate attaining the larger things we want out of life without compromising our ability to enjoy the ride of life itself? Isn't there a difference between the life propelled by making plans and achieving goals and making specific decisions and the life propelled by impulse, emotion, spontaneity and the beauty of the moment? How can we have both? Or are these two lives already combined- we're just more focused on one than the other?

I don't really know what all that means. It just feels like we're always playing it safe. Things are so calculated and colored within the lines that they begin feeling plain, boring, complacent... And that's no way to be living at all. Not to say that everything has to be outrageous or ridiculous or so spur of the moment... but maybe if we could punctuate these focused and goal driven lives with more of that... maybe we'd be more content or just more interesting people. And maybe it's because things are changing for me. And I don't do well with change most of the time. I'm starting to pack up my apartment. And I'm starting to realize that I only have a little time left with certain people who have become my best friends, my life lines... and I don't know. It's enough to make you feel like you're crawling out of your skin because you don't want to move forward and face the inevitable, but if you don't, then you're left standing completely still... which is far worse.

Not to mention I turn 22 on Saturday. How did that happen? I don't really know how I feel about that.

Well, enough for now.

Until next time... I'll leave you with a piece of The Way by Albert Goldbarth:

"The way our language scissors the enormity to scales we can tolerate. The way we gild and rubricate in memory, or edit out selectively..."

I don't know... something about that just resonates.

Later Gators,

L

nothing gold can stay

An old friend of mine turns 23 today. 23 on the 23rd. I think they consider that the golden birthday. I had mine when I was 4. But nonetheless. I say old friend when really this is someone who's no longer a part of my life. This is someone who was once my friend, then more- he was the love of my life- and now he's less- he's not even in my life. It's strange to think about how relationships evolve over time. How we can transition from deep, intense, passionate love to hatred- or worse, ambivalence.

And people change, I know. We grow up, grow apart- and it seems to be in the rarest instances we grow closer and closer as the years pass- which I suppose is what makes those lasting friendships and relationships so special and truly invaluable. And I guess the truth is, I miss him- even though I know we're not in a place of being able to be friends, well, he's not. And maybe he'll never be. But I miss him sometimes and I miss what I used to be to him- special, beautiful, and lovable.

I guess it's a lesson we keep learning as we grow up. People fall away, fall apart, and sometimes they find their way back to each other, and other times maybe we're better off having loved and lost. Relationships worth having take work. They're not supposed to be easy all the time or why would they be worth having at all? And so people leave- they fall away and we remain with empty spaces, vacuums of where those people used to fit- used to fulfill us. But somewhere along the way, someone else comes and fills those spaces, maybe in ways we never could have expected or anticipated.

I think it all comes back to my renewed view of living in the moment. Loving and giving as who we are now to whomever these other people in our lives are, now...not who we want or dream them to be- not who they aim to be in the future, but for who they are right now. If we can do that, we have the opportunity to find relationships that are truly honest and authentic. And maybe they won't last a lifetime, but we can be content with what it was, in the moment, while it ran its course. I mean, isn't life supposed to be like this? We fall in love and get heart broken. We laugh and cry and get really down and lonely. And then we have adventures and take risks and just try. We feel the depths of whatever we feel, allow it to happen and then move on. We try to experience life from the deepest insides to the crux of the outer edges. I mean this is all we've got. And we're all we've got, so why wouldn't we?

So Mr. 23 and aren't in one another's lives, but I have hope that one day life will bring us back together. And maybe then we'll be able to love each other for who we are now, in the present moment- and I don't know, maybe we could be friends. The world's a lot smaller than we think, and hey, it could happen. Until then, I'll just keep loving and giving and sending positive energy out into the universe. And maybe I'll get a little bit back myself.

So happy birthday, friend- if you're reading this, where ever you are. May you be healthy, happy, and get all of your birthday wishes.

And to everyone else. Have faith...believe in the power of the universe and its ability to bring us all together in a positive way, no matter how long it takes or what path. Good things really do happen, even late in the game.

Goodnight, kids.

-L

and it will all shift and become something different

So it's been a while. And a lot has happened. But I'm starting to think that maybe that's all relative. That maybe, actually, very little has happened. The effects or surrounding reflections of the events of the past few weeks have just seemed grandiose or overwhelming in a way making my life feel like a lot's happened. I know, I'm confused too.

I've spent the past week in California- a few lovely days in San Francisco where I met up with friends, walked and hiked, took in art museums, drank wine, and just stood by the water watching... And then there was Berkeley, California, which I jokingly say can be summed up in 3 "ocks:" dreadlocks, Mohawks, and Birkenstocks...and then there's the endless number of used book stores, vintage thrift clothing shops, cafes, and of course, marijuana. I swear some nights you can get high just walking down the street. I spent the last week there studying with Joe Goode Performance Group. There's something about his work, his philosophy...this idea of the deeply felt experience in art. Something humanistic. Authentic. And to be in a space for an extended period of time, feeling safe and supported... amongst overwhelmingly generous people, artists... it's so incredibly beautiful. How the residue of people's care and generosity gets left on you, in you- their imprints, the imprint of the space, and the moment of creating... and you're renewed, re-opened, awake.

There are moments in our lives that cannot be recreated. Partnerships and experiences that may only ever exist once. And we can be generous, open, and honest, we allow ourselves to deeply indulge in the moment, the process, the unique rhythm of another individual in conjunction or cross-hatched with our own. And that's of significant value. That's what reminds us of our humanity, the beauty of intimacy and the complexity of relationships- with others, with spaces, in time, out of context, in support or contrast of other mediums and ideas and concepts... it's unending. And when we move on into the next partnership or creative process we remain informed by that residue- the imprints of others are lasting... we carry them with us and over time the layers build onto this skeleton we come into the world with. And with the help and influence of other people, environments, and spaces we will continue shifting and becoming new to ourselves.

So there's that.

Then I got to thinking that it's funny how much of our lives we spend waiting. Waiting in lines. Waiting for planes, trains, buses. Waiting for a phone call, a message...the right moment. Waiting for a miracle or an intervention- for our lives to get good... like in that second. Waiting for 'the one'... to fall in love, to feel like we fit in, or just plain fit, or have found our place in this world. And sometimes it's this hurry up and wait syndrome. And sometimes it's like you've been waiting your whole life or something- which then leads to the implication that the thing you're waiting for it meant to happen- or, you just really want it, need it to. And then you have this moment when you wonder why we're all so busy waiting. And if we all are, in fact waiting, then we leave room for the possibility that certain things will never happen. Because we're essentially waiting on someone or something else to make the effort or take action... but, if they too are waiting, then we're all just stuck- sucked into the vortex- the in between where we're all doing the same thing, wanting the same thing, and all not getting the same things.

So that means what? It means someone eventually has to stop waiting and take action to make these things happen to them, rather than expecting life or the universe or fate to just miraculously allow things to fall into place. And perhaps that will set off the spark- someone does something that someone else was waiting for, and in turn, they, getting the thing they wanted, will allow for something else to happen to/for another... and so begins the chain of events. A simple concept I know. But, hard to imagine that we're all just standing still- there must be those who don't wait- can't wait- like the perpetual waiters there are the perpetual doers- taking action, always in motion and refusing to stand still. There has to be, right?

So, there's also that.

And then I got to thinking...
I'm like this person who's too sensitive.

We step into the outside world and find ourselves in need of protection. Because we don't seem to live in a world that nurtures or really supports sensitivity. And what about those hyper sensitive individuals who struggle to exist in the world? I think I'm one of those people. I struggle to exist in the world though I don't think I like to admit that. But I suppose that's why I'm an artist, why I dance... because even when confronted with challenge or difficulty, within the art form, I'm in a safe space. And I guess those are hard to find.

So, now there's that too.

I'm headed to New York tomorrow for a few days. I keep saying it's part of my 'becoming a real person.' Meetings and appointments and interviews- those words just sound like 'real people' or 'grown up' words. I don't even know what that means. And then I'll come back here, head back to school for a while to reconnect with friends... and continue making plans for our trip to Europe- which some people see as this escape from reality. I see it as the ultimate exploration into real life- into my life, my individuality... who I am, what I want out of life.

Well, more for another day. Another post.

Until then.

For us, there is only the trying...

I have this new philosophy. For my life. That all we do and experience and attempt should exist purely in the moment. That our own inner voices, our consciences, our guts are, and should be, the purest, most honest points of reference... barometers, or maybe thermometers for all decision making and plans. I just have this thought that the moment can so clearly dictate our actions... that it can be this intrinsic feeling or emotion... this reminder of how our bodies, our minds, and spirits are so purely connected to the universe or the environment... to the push and pull of energies swirling around in this crazy, complicated, gorgeous atmosphere. Always seems like these thoughts materialize in run- on sentences- not sure what that's about. But that's a whole other tangent anyway.

And speaking of tangents... I have this new found love for them. An interest there, always, yes, but now, a true love. Because the thing is, you can't be so tunnel visioned all the time. Have goals and make plans, yes... but you can't get so caught up or stuck on one track that you miss out on all of the other possibilities of life. There will be opportunities that arise, and moments that change the course of thinking or action... and if my gut pulls me in a new direction, well, that should be positive. That should be valued and trusted. Because it's what we don't and can' t plan for in life that often ends up being the most rewarding and fulfilling. This life is meant to be lived. We're supposed to enjoy it... otherwise, what the hell are we doing here?

I'm not completely sure I know what I'm doing with my life. All I know is that I have to follow my gut, my instinct... not that I even really know what that means, or where that will put me. But that's the only thing I know I can trust or believe in. In a life so filled with less than concrete, ambiguous things, we have to hold on to what we know to be certain and secure... ourselves. So that we may move forward and out into the world, into the thick and depth of our lives with at least one thing- the knowledge that we are incredible creatures capable of extraordinary things. And the point of this life is not in achieving successes or making mistakes, but it's about the attempts. It's about this middle place where we try- we try to achieve and make contact. We try to fall in love and follow our hearts... our dreams. We try to be good people, and take trips, and create a life that is full and complex and amazing.

We try. We try to listen to those inner voices and live a life that makes us happy. And along the way, things happen... people change, and they change us. Things grow or they fall apart. Moments become defining and we get to outline the terms of those definitions. This is all I really know. And even as I say that we are the most concrete elements of our own lives, even we are constantly changing. So maybe nothing in life is certain. And maybe we just have to take comfort or solace in knowing that we're all here just trying to figure things out. We're all just trying... sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not... if we can even quantify things that way. All we can do is try. And hope that years down the road we'll be content with the lives we've created for ourselves.

the world will see you

More and more it feels like my life is comprised of nothing but decision making. From the seemingly insignificant breakfast battle of cereal versus granola, to the morning debate of how much longer I can hit the snooze button. We agonize over details from what to wear, to what to say, to what track most appropriately begins a Wednesday morning...currently I like to greet Hump Day with "That's not my Name" by the Ting Tings. And the minutes and days and soon enough months of our lives press on as we make decision after decision. Some are more simple than others. In apartment 66606 the answer to the following is always 'Yes':

Chipotle?
Red wine?
Trashy reality television after a long, rough day?
Mature young men who know how to communicate?
Spending time with friends who understand you?

Yes.

And other decisions are far more complicated... like how to create your life post-college... particularly when it seems like all of the grand decisions you've made in your life have been the result of opinions and voices of seemingly greater importance than your own. My whole life I've made decisions and truly, with every one I stop to think about someone else's idea of it before my own... namely, my parents. Because I love them? I respect them? I do. I certainly do. And it's been nearly 22 years of desperately seeking their approval... of wanting to make them proud. And don't get me wrong, I think that's a fine way of choosing my life's course in the sense that it's offered a sound moral compass... But this life is all we really have. This life belongs to me and me alone, essentially. And now that I've graduated and am essentially being forced to 'grow up' I feel like it's time to start making some decisions for myself.

My friend and room mate Danielle says that life is supposed to be about one's vision, not about plans. It's about this greater scope- this larger sense of who we are, or want or aspire to be. Your vision is this full representation of your internal desires and passions. Plans are simply what we make, like decisions, every day... in attempts to keep moving forward, achieving, or seemingly living this life. I'm tired of making plans. I feel like my whole life has been this huge rehearsal... this institution of learning and creating and taking steps to prepare me for something else- for whatever plan comes after this one. And it's like I've said before, I feel like we're always so focused on what's ahead or what's to come next that we forget that we're actually in the midst of a life... right now. And this is all we have. This complicated, beautiful, frustrating, terrifying thing is all we have and none of us survive it. So isn't the point of all of this, simply, to live?

I made plans today. I've been making plans. And I've made decisions for myself and no one else. And all I can do is hope that the people who love and support me will continue to do so... even if they disagree or don't approve. Because hopefully they'll know that my motives are thoughtful and sound... and that all I want is to experience this life...even more richly, and fully than I have been these past 22 years. I'm going to Europe for a month. I'm going with one of my best friends, a back pack, camera, and an open mind... The tickets have been bought. My mind is made up.

In a letter to their son Benjamin and Julia Rush wrote:

"Be sober and vigilant. Remember at all times that while you are seeing the world, the world will see you."

I'm ready to see the world, but more so, ready for the world to see me.

Let's just hope my parents don't kill me.